things that confound me

Lately it seems that all I've been doing is getting sick and recovering then getting sick again. Actually, I'd say that this is a trend that I've followed since I started freshman year in the middle of trying to get over bronchitis. Naturally, this has made me just very obsessed with learning about health and healthcare. Always the healthcare.

I like to use online educational videos to learn about these things. Typically I use the vlogbrothers and Tedtalks to start my obsessions off and then I expand my wanderings to the rest of the interwebs.

To start off with: Health Insurance. I am just completely baffled by it at all times. While Bill Clinton was still called "Mr. President," we became the last industrialized country that didn't have universal healthcare. Now we have to wrestle with the consequences of "moral hazard," that is, high deductibles intended to force people into only getting healthcare that they absolutely need. The only consequence occurs in the lower class...of course, that's where nobody really cares that there is an increase in MORTALITY RATES, right?

Keep in mind, I'm no economist, health care provider, or lower class member. So my   words don't carry the weight of actually having experienced this...I will say, however, that the time of my life that I was healthiest was when I maxed out my insurance deductible and all of my healthcare bills were covered for the rest of the year. I would say that when health becomes a result of not having to pay the deductible anymore...then probably there is something wrong with the system. You know, I've probably misrepresented a lot of how our health insurance system works...but the thing is, regardless of how accurate I am, I know that very few are happy with the price and care they are getting, and, from my scholar's project, I know that we overpay for the same quality of care. Sometimes it's just depressing.

What is beauty?

Lately, I've been noticing a change in my interactions with the people that I am closest to. And it makes me so very, very happy.

Preface: It is my personal belief that, as a human, the most beautiful thing you can do is share information, thoughts, feelings,  art--anything, really. The point is, you are sharing ideas and concepts and emotions and connecting to those around you. (I say this as I sit alone in my room because alone time to develop these ideas is crucial as well).

I've been coming closer and closer to achieve beauty in my life. For example, today, I sat down with Professor Birgen and talked about what I was passionate about today and she told me relevant information.

Today, when I went to talk to my piano professor, we talked about music, but then we also talked about memory and how memory works best and we shared our opinions about it and talked about Mark Twain and how an educated person doesn't have a clue about much of anything and realizes that.

And my list goes on and on, and it doesn't only pertain to educational material. I've had discussions about religion. I've had discussions about love and relationships. I've talked about morals. I've discussed politics. Last night a person that I only vaguely know shared music that he's been writing with me, and it was beautiful. I told him about crayfish and he was less excited, but he left a mark on me, and I left a (probably less permanent) mark on him, and we both benefited from it.

So, here's my thing. I want to be the most beautiful person I can possibly be. Unlike Sara, I am not convinced of the fact that I am beautiful. I have no laugh lines yet, how can I possibly be beautiful?

I can acquire beauty, though. And I can do this in so many ways. I can do so aesthetically by not only using my body to reflect my values--I want those laugh lines so badly, but beyond that, I can dress and move and do things with my body that show who I am, personally. I can do so emotionally by continuing to have these conversations. Or by opening myself up to new ideas. I watched a TED talk about taking "The Other" to lunch--I can talk to new people. I can share more of what I'm passionate and absorb what other people are passionate about and get passionate about it to. Because, really, wouldn't the world just be a better place if everyone got really excited about a lot of things and you just felt their palpable joy every time they talked to you? Or if you gained the understanding of how to respond to people, and were able to improve their lives because of this understanding, wouldn't that be better, too?

I want to be beautiful. But I want to be my definition of it.


http://www.ted.com/talks/sally_kohn_let_s_try_emotional_correctness.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_lesser_take_the_other_to_lunch.html

Motivation

After class today, I spent a lot of time thinking about motivation. About what motivates people to do what they do, to join a political party that they only half believe in or to talk to someone they haven't really talked to before.

I've also recently watched a TED talk about how people need to stop learning and start thinking. So I'm not doing any research for this one, I'm speculating about motivation and political parties and all of that madness.

I think, fundamentally, one of the things that all organisms that are sexed share is the need for more of their kind, if only for procreation. Moving to a slightly higher level of development, in animals, this manifests as a sort of need for a community. Again, moving up the ladder, humans have a need for communities that satisfy all aspects of who they are. People choose to be part of communities of scholars (by going to a school) of athletes (by playing a sport), and of people of similar religious beliefs (by attending a church). Politics introduces a whole new level of identity, and one that not everyone understands. So--and this is me just thinking, there is no support--people choose a political group that they find an aspect of that resonates with them, and they stick with it when they don't truly have an understanding of it.

When I'm asked what my political beliefs are, I say that economically, I have republican ideals, and socially, I have democratic ideals. But I think I'm just trying to belong to the two communities--perhaps I should start my own community, or refuse to be in a community in this aspect of my life.

Another way to look at motivation--also from today's class--is in what motivates certain behaviors. For example, today in class, I was very excited about the topics and the routes that the conversations I was participating in were going. I had come to class wanting to make sure that everyone had at least an understanding of our political parties because I enjoy political discussions and analysis of government. My motivation can be traced, again, to community. I wanted to (in this case make) a community where I could be excited about what I was talking about and other people would also be excited and they would respond with intelligent discussion. And, within all of this, I didn't want to be embarrassed or snubbed by the community for putting on a poor show or having a boring presentation.

Alternatively, in my social life, I've been interacting more with people that I don't normally talk to, and I think it's because it feels like we can form a community because we are going through similar things. I've found two people who have boyfriends who are going through boot camp. And it's just so very comforting to know that I can talk to one of them if I'm confused or if I'm lonely or any other reason. Because we share something, I automatically want to be closer to these people because I'm accumulating as many communities and connections to other humans as I can, until all of the aspects of me are satisfied.

I'm sure there's a psychological reason for all of these things that makes a lot more sense than what I've tried to describe. I just think that, in the end, we all want to know that there are other people thinking and doing the things that we think and do. And when we are motivated to find these people and interact with them as much as possible.

I finished my four year plan this week, and next semester, I want to quit my music scholarship. I can graduate in 3.5 years and work part time as a CNA if I don't do piano, and, let's face it, as a college student paying for my own schooling, that's about what I can afford. I did the math and I can make enough money to cover my tuition if I'm working as a CNA, which means that I can start trying to save for med school too.

But that isn't the only reason I want to be done with my scholarship. Because I'm tired of letting people down because I'm not good enough. Because I want to get my CNA and I won't have time to practice. Because arthritis runs in my family and I can't move my wrists after I play, and that scares me and hurts.

My problem is that my piano professor is the nicest man I've ever met and I don't know how to tell him that I can't do this. I enjoy piano, but this is too much for me. And it's turning into a chore, and that's the last thing I want. I'm just scared because I have the closest relationship with my piano professor out of everyone on campus, and he helped me get through feeling incredibly inadequate about my lack of knowledge about music, two deaths, a major illness, and my boyfriend leaving for the Marines. I don't want to lose that relationship, but I know that quitting piano would basically guarantee that happens.

All I know is I can't do another semester like this because every time I type, it hurts. And every time I rehearse, I'm aware that I'm not where I should be on any of the songs because I'm spending time learning accompaniment music that's too hard for me.

Technology.

Hello and oh my goodness it is good to be able to type this sentence.

Yes, it is required that we have two blogs a week, so it is a bit of a drag to blog because, no, I do not, in general, approve of blogging. I would rather have a corporeal assignment. However, it is a relief to be able to blog because I have spent several days being unable to blog because in the box where I am supposed to type my blog, there were ADDS!

Yes, you read that correctly, adds prevented me from doing my homework.

I figured it out, with the help of Google, that there were two extensions in my Chrome settings that I didn't add, and were actually allowing my internet explorations to be plagued with adds. Which was annoying on several levels; nothing was working correctly because ADDS, I spent way too much time closing pop-ups, and my educational videos weren't loading very well. (For those of you that don't know about my problem, it is this: when I am sick [as I have been recently] I watch educational videos. It's quite ridiculous.)

Actually, the point of this blog is the content of the adds. I was suddenly inundated with adds of all types--not just the types that Google has determined are good for me, but types that apply to all demographics. (Sidenote, clear your browsing history and cookies and all of that stuff as often as you can, it loses Google money as noted here: http://adzerk.com/blog/2011/11/why-google-built-incognito-mode) I had adds with women in various states of sexual objectification, and I went up on a pedestal that actually matches the recent topics quite nicely. And was referenced in one of my educational videos that I watched on TED.

Here's what I got out of this video: Sexual objectification is horrible. The media has truly gone too far. There is a different between art and oppression. I like not seeing the adds that were popping up on my computer. They were often exactly as Caroline Heldman described; I felt self-conscious about how I measured up. It was uncomfortable. On top of that, watching this video made me uncomfortable because I automatically noticed that the speaker had beautiful hair and that mine will never look like that, and that she looks polished and all of these other things. Then I saw the conclusion, where she took off her makeup, and I understood that she knew the affect she had on others when she looked that way, and she encouraged NOT doing that.

And I can see the practical side of taking time away from image, and the social aspects. But my problem was that I value beauty. And I express it by wearing clothing in shades and patterns and textures that are aesthetically appealing to me. And that isn't wrong. Sometimes I wear makeup. And that isn't wrong either. What is wrong is judging myself based on others, which is where our opinions are in convergence again.

So this may be unprogressive of me, but I'm going to continue to live my life outwardly the same, minus the adds. But I want to find a way to stop the objectification factor. Because when I have children, they shouldn't feel the same way that many young girls (and boys) feel today when inundated with adds.

Too much little picture.

Ella, that was a fantastic presentation. I feel like the topic can only be dealt with factually, and I'm glad that that is how it was presented. I'm saying this because I have a lot of tumultuous opinions that might make it appear that I don't appreciate the severity of the situation. I do appreciate it, however, I cannot pinhole myself into only caring about feminism, or thinking that rape culture is the only type of injustice in which violence is used and power is gained.

I have several points that I want to enumerate, and that I didn't communicate in discussion because my throat hurt and I can't be loud and I was really tired and everyone else was loud.

My first point is that humor is society's way of handling that which makes it uncomfortable. Humor releases social tension. It has a purpose. (Yes, I double checked with wiki that I remembered my introduction to psychology and sociology courses correctly. My main point is that it is a relief.) I understand that not all humor is politically correct--but let's face it, there are a million ways for me to be politically incorrect, and I'm fulfilling many of them on this blog post. Getting to the point: yes, rape humor is terrible. But it is not any more terrible than any other humor about social inequality. There is violence in other types of social inequality. In discussion today, I was uncomfortable with the way that rape jokes were presented  as inherently bad, while other types of injustice related jokes were glossed over. I personally, as a woman, am uncomfortable with rape jokes. I am not particularly offended by them because I understand that society is trying to deal with an uncomfortable issue. I know African Americans that are uncomfortable with black jokes--there has been no mention of how they are equally harmful.

Let's think about this: there will always be jokes about injustices. Some are really hard to stomach, and I understand that. However, I acknowledge that I will be presented with situations where these types of jokes will be used, and I use my own reasoning to determine if it is harming society by perpetuating a stereotype or if it is that person's way of coping with an uncomfortable issue.

Second point: Everyone needs to calm the hell down.

Week after week, issues are causing heated discussions and personal pain. I DON'T GET IT. We are scholars, yes? Understand that, if everyone has the same opinion as you, THAT'S BAD!! THAT ISN'T A GOOD THING! It may make things easier, however, imagine if our government was made of people that all had the same opinion. How would that benefit everyone? It is our duty to recognize that we can learn from other people's opinions. We can take others ideas and utilize them as our own, which can only make us better, more well-rounded individuals.

Third Point: I personally don't think I have experienced injustice because I am female.

In my hometown, at my high school, it was understood that I was smart. In all subjects. And I'm not bragging, compared to here, I am very much a normal person. But there, I excelled, and I excelled from a young age, so it was understood that girls could be smart, and were smart, and excelled in subjects atypical to the standard thoughts (i.e. I was good at math and science--this isn't a jibe at Blaise, by the way, I've heard that study and I can understand how and why he said that, and I am sorry for him that people were mad at him. Aren't we supposed to help others through teaching, not through shaming? This should be a comfortable environment!). I was thought to be a goody-two shoes prude that listened to Christian music and attended church twice a week and sometimes eight times and never swore, but that is more of a product of my shyness in my preteen years than anything else. I know that, as a blonde woman that likes to look nice and wears makeup when she isn't sick and has a ridiculous amount of shoes, I might not be taken as seriously as I should be, because the only way a woman can be intelligent is if she doesn't care about her opinion (as per the stereotype), however, I'm hoping we can work towards less surprise when we encounter intelligent, well dressed, and ridiculously shoed women in the future.

Rant done.

Religion.

While I am at a particularly spiritual/religious part of my life where I'm questioning exactly what my opinion is and am extremely influenceable, especially by very attractive boyfriends who have strong religious beliefs and can argue them intelligently, I am not okay with what our assignment is for biology.

Let's start from the beginning:
Hot topics:  Evolution and Faith          15 points

Several observations about the earth and the universe lead scientists to conclude that the earth is ~ 4.5 billion years old and the universe is ~ 13.7 billion years old.  The Bible, however, contains various bits of chronological information that, when taken together, put the creation of the world at 4004 BC.  Your text contains introductory material regarding the age of the Earth that we will cover in class, but you should think about these issues before Dr. Jones’ talk.

Please type out your answers.  Cite at least one source for your literature cited to support your argument(s) (this does not have to be peer-reviewed).  All of your answers, plus your one reference, must fit on one page (be concise).  Also, be sure to put your instructor’s name on your paper (Dr. Maxwell).

MAKE SURE TO PROOFREAD YOUR PAPER – POINTS WILL BE TAKEN OFF FOR POOR GRAMMAR.

The Bible is available online at the following url: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/. 

1.        Does Darwin’s theory that humans evolved from simpler life forms conflict with the idea that humans are made in the image of God?  Explain.

2.      Is the value of the Bible diminished if one accepts that the earth is much older than the Bible says it is?  Explain.

3.      What effect would it have on a person's view of the natural sciences if he or she believed that the world was only 6,000 years old?

This is the assignment that was emailed out. As any summer would, my paper is already done and cited and ready to be printed (also thank you, life, for changing the format of this unexpectedly and unfixably).

My problem? My problem is that this assignment assumes that I'm Christian!

I might be, but I might not be and that isn't okay for this assignment to just be handed out!

Say I was of a different religion--what if I didn't believe in God at all (which has been me at some point in my life, luckily I didn't receive this assignment then or I would have had a full on rage). This assignment not only forces myself to drag myself through the drudgery of christian extremists in order to find sources on how evolution contradicts creationism, but it also forces me to treat Christianity as my religion to answer the questions; to finish this paper, I had to look up what the image of God was.  I had to assign value to a book I have not read or been exposed to because I am not of a religion that follows it. I dislike that this assignment was aimed at Christians. I thought we were beyond that.

 I also think that perhaps my rant is a show of my inability to accept others religious opinions. Then I realize that my boyfriend is a baptist and I'm so upset because I think that people in our biology class are feeling as alienated or more alienated by this assignment as I am. So maybe I am accepting and just confused about a lot of things.