What is beauty?

Lately, I've been noticing a change in my interactions with the people that I am closest to. And it makes me so very, very happy.

Preface: It is my personal belief that, as a human, the most beautiful thing you can do is share information, thoughts, feelings,  art--anything, really. The point is, you are sharing ideas and concepts and emotions and connecting to those around you. (I say this as I sit alone in my room because alone time to develop these ideas is crucial as well).

I've been coming closer and closer to achieve beauty in my life. For example, today, I sat down with Professor Birgen and talked about what I was passionate about today and she told me relevant information.

Today, when I went to talk to my piano professor, we talked about music, but then we also talked about memory and how memory works best and we shared our opinions about it and talked about Mark Twain and how an educated person doesn't have a clue about much of anything and realizes that.

And my list goes on and on, and it doesn't only pertain to educational material. I've had discussions about religion. I've had discussions about love and relationships. I've talked about morals. I've discussed politics. Last night a person that I only vaguely know shared music that he's been writing with me, and it was beautiful. I told him about crayfish and he was less excited, but he left a mark on me, and I left a (probably less permanent) mark on him, and we both benefited from it.

So, here's my thing. I want to be the most beautiful person I can possibly be. Unlike Sara, I am not convinced of the fact that I am beautiful. I have no laugh lines yet, how can I possibly be beautiful?

I can acquire beauty, though. And I can do this in so many ways. I can do so aesthetically by not only using my body to reflect my values--I want those laugh lines so badly, but beyond that, I can dress and move and do things with my body that show who I am, personally. I can do so emotionally by continuing to have these conversations. Or by opening myself up to new ideas. I watched a TED talk about taking "The Other" to lunch--I can talk to new people. I can share more of what I'm passionate and absorb what other people are passionate about and get passionate about it to. Because, really, wouldn't the world just be a better place if everyone got really excited about a lot of things and you just felt their palpable joy every time they talked to you? Or if you gained the understanding of how to respond to people, and were able to improve their lives because of this understanding, wouldn't that be better, too?

I want to be beautiful. But I want to be my definition of it.


http://www.ted.com/talks/sally_kohn_let_s_try_emotional_correctness.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_lesser_take_the_other_to_lunch.html

Motivation

After class today, I spent a lot of time thinking about motivation. About what motivates people to do what they do, to join a political party that they only half believe in or to talk to someone they haven't really talked to before.

I've also recently watched a TED talk about how people need to stop learning and start thinking. So I'm not doing any research for this one, I'm speculating about motivation and political parties and all of that madness.

I think, fundamentally, one of the things that all organisms that are sexed share is the need for more of their kind, if only for procreation. Moving to a slightly higher level of development, in animals, this manifests as a sort of need for a community. Again, moving up the ladder, humans have a need for communities that satisfy all aspects of who they are. People choose to be part of communities of scholars (by going to a school) of athletes (by playing a sport), and of people of similar religious beliefs (by attending a church). Politics introduces a whole new level of identity, and one that not everyone understands. So--and this is me just thinking, there is no support--people choose a political group that they find an aspect of that resonates with them, and they stick with it when they don't truly have an understanding of it.

When I'm asked what my political beliefs are, I say that economically, I have republican ideals, and socially, I have democratic ideals. But I think I'm just trying to belong to the two communities--perhaps I should start my own community, or refuse to be in a community in this aspect of my life.

Another way to look at motivation--also from today's class--is in what motivates certain behaviors. For example, today in class, I was very excited about the topics and the routes that the conversations I was participating in were going. I had come to class wanting to make sure that everyone had at least an understanding of our political parties because I enjoy political discussions and analysis of government. My motivation can be traced, again, to community. I wanted to (in this case make) a community where I could be excited about what I was talking about and other people would also be excited and they would respond with intelligent discussion. And, within all of this, I didn't want to be embarrassed or snubbed by the community for putting on a poor show or having a boring presentation.

Alternatively, in my social life, I've been interacting more with people that I don't normally talk to, and I think it's because it feels like we can form a community because we are going through similar things. I've found two people who have boyfriends who are going through boot camp. And it's just so very comforting to know that I can talk to one of them if I'm confused or if I'm lonely or any other reason. Because we share something, I automatically want to be closer to these people because I'm accumulating as many communities and connections to other humans as I can, until all of the aspects of me are satisfied.

I'm sure there's a psychological reason for all of these things that makes a lot more sense than what I've tried to describe. I just think that, in the end, we all want to know that there are other people thinking and doing the things that we think and do. And when we are motivated to find these people and interact with them as much as possible.

I finished my four year plan this week, and next semester, I want to quit my music scholarship. I can graduate in 3.5 years and work part time as a CNA if I don't do piano, and, let's face it, as a college student paying for my own schooling, that's about what I can afford. I did the math and I can make enough money to cover my tuition if I'm working as a CNA, which means that I can start trying to save for med school too.

But that isn't the only reason I want to be done with my scholarship. Because I'm tired of letting people down because I'm not good enough. Because I want to get my CNA and I won't have time to practice. Because arthritis runs in my family and I can't move my wrists after I play, and that scares me and hurts.

My problem is that my piano professor is the nicest man I've ever met and I don't know how to tell him that I can't do this. I enjoy piano, but this is too much for me. And it's turning into a chore, and that's the last thing I want. I'm just scared because I have the closest relationship with my piano professor out of everyone on campus, and he helped me get through feeling incredibly inadequate about my lack of knowledge about music, two deaths, a major illness, and my boyfriend leaving for the Marines. I don't want to lose that relationship, but I know that quitting piano would basically guarantee that happens.

All I know is I can't do another semester like this because every time I type, it hurts. And every time I rehearse, I'm aware that I'm not where I should be on any of the songs because I'm spending time learning accompaniment music that's too hard for me.